• Creating Safe Classrooms
• Causes of Conflict
• Anatomy of a Conflict
• Responding to Conflict
• Conflict Resolution Through Communication
  • Communication Styles
  • Building Active Listening Skills
  • Assertiveness Skills
  • The Importance of I-Messages
• The Conflict Resolution Process
  • Negotiation
  • Mediation
  • Consensus Decision-Making
• Anger Management
• Approaches to Conflict Resolution
  • Win Win Approach
  • Understanding Perceptions and Expectations
  • Broadening Perspectives

Creating Safe Classrooms

Focus on academic achievement. All students need to achieve their best in both class study and class behavior.

Practice positive helping relationships. All students need to feel comfortable helping each other and receiving help when needed and to look out for the needs of their classmates.

Practice mutual respect. All students need to be treated equally and fairly, without bias.

Practice individual responsibility and accountability. All students need to be taught to be responsible for their actions and to learn that choices have consequences.

Create safe ways to share concerns. Students need safe ways to report concerns about troubling behaviors that may result in dangerous situations. Students need to be able to express concerns without fear of rejection.

Create opportunities to develop safety skills. Students need opportunities to learn safety rules and develop skills to minimize risks.

Practice good citizenship. All students need to learn to function appropriately in a group setting and to contribute to the success of positive group efforts.

Practice effective conflict resolution behavior. All students need an opportunity to learn appropriate strategies for dealing with feelings, expressing anger and resolving conflicts.

Adapted from: Early Warning, Timely Response: A Guide to Safe Schools

Causes of Conflict

• limited resources
• different needs, drives, wishes, demands
• attempts to meet basic needs for personal fulfillment: belonging-loving, sharing and cooperating with others power-achievement, accomplishment, recognition, respect freedom-personal choice fun-pursuit of pleasure
• different values beliefs priorities principles cultural, social, mental and physical attributes
• other influences media influences culture that accepts violent behavior absence of conflict resolution / communication skills

Source: Conflict Resolution Education: A Guide to Implementing Programs in Schools, Youth-Serving Organizations, and Community and Juvenile Justice Settings.

Anatomy of a Conflict

1. A triggering event occurs.

• The offender views/interprets this as an event that requires him or her to "save face."
• The triggering event is often trivial; most involve actions such as minor slights, or teasing, but even these can result in "aggravated assault" or "homicide." · A "character contest" develops in which neither participant will back down.
• Participants seem to accept that conflict/violence is called for.
• Participants often make a deliberate choice to be violent. Invitations or challenges to fight are offered and accepted. In two-thirds of cases, there is agreement to fight before the fight begins.

2. "Opening moves" are made.

• This is the action that starts the violent incident. This action may be taken by the student, antagonist or third party. The third party may be bystanders or friends. Most commonly, peers that were standing by encouraged the violence or even joined in. Very few peers attempted to stop it. Hitting is the most common opening move.

3. Common patterns of events follow the opening moves.

• Very few of the actions that occur after the opening move are attempts to avoid or evade the violence.
• Violence escalates rapidly.
• Common behavior: kicking, biting, hitting with a fist are the most common behaviors, followed by pushing, grabbing, shoving.
• Common emotions: anger is more common than fear, yet seldom given as the excuse for the fight.

Justifications and Excuses for Fighting

• More than 80 percent of students felt their actions were justified.
• Sixteen percent of students made an excuse for their actions.

Justifications

1. To restore "justice," retribution, retaliation.

• "Punishing" the antagonist for something he or she did (of all the goals for fighting, retribution is the most common).
• The primary justification given for violence: "He/she deserved it."
• The antagonist's guilt is neutralized when he/she feels that the victim "deserved it."
• Comes from an underlying value system in which violence is acceptable.

2. To gain compliance

• Convincing the antagonist to desist from an offensive course of action.

3. To defend oneself or others.

4. To promote one's image.

• By saving face, defending one's honor, or enhancing or maintaining one's reputation.

Excuses

• Free will was impaired by anger.
• Reluctant-pushed into the incident by aggressors. Didn't mean to do it.
• Wanted money.
• Free will was impaired by alcohol.

Source of Information: Violence Among Middle School and High School Students: Analysis and Implications.

Responding to Conflict

Important Concepts

• You have a choice. Most conflicts offer choices about different actions that can be taken.
• Your choice affects the outcome. The responses of those involved determine the outcome of the conflict situation. Most conflict situations can be resolved so that neither party is hurt and both parties are satisfied. This is a win-win solution.
• Focus on the actual or potentially harmful consequences. Think about a conflict as more than just a fight or an argument. What is likely to happen as a result of the responses of both sides? Is this a harmful or beneficial consequence?
• Focus on the effect of the actions taken during the conflict on the relationship between the people involved. Why is it important to think about the way your response will affect your relationship? (Most conflicts occur among family members, friends or acquaintances.)

Responding to Conflict

Conflict Resolution through Communication

Communication Styles

Without adequate communication skills, adolescents may be unable to release their feelings. This lack of communication can increase stress and lower self-esteem.

There are three styles of communication:

• passive
• assertive
• aggressive

Passive communication involves the inability or unwillingness to express thoughts and feelings. Passive people will do something they don't want to do or make up an excuse rather than say how they feel.

Assertive behavior involves standing up for oneself. Assertive people will say what they think and stand up for their beliefs without hurting others. The aggressive style of communication involves overreaction, blaming and criticizing. Aggressive people try to get their way through bullying, intimidating or even physical violence. They do not or will not consider the rights of others.

Types of Messages

There are two types of messages that accompany each style of communication: nonverbal and verbal. Signs, symbols, posture, body movements, dress, facial expressions and gestures are examples of nonverbal messages. The nonverbal messages reinforce what the speaker is saying. For example, passive communicators often have slumped posture and a lack of eye contact. Assertive people exhibit erect posture and direct eye contact. Forward-leaning posture, pointing and a glaring look are nonverbal signals of aggressive communication. The verbal messages for each communication style are very different. People who are passive will often ask questions to determine what others want, or they may say, "I don't care." Assertive communicators use I-messages to say what they want or need. They use refusal skills to say no while maintaining important relationships. People who are aggressive often use you-statements to blame or criticize.

Components of Assertive Communication

The components of verbal messages for assertive communication include I-messages and refusals. I-messages state what the sender thinks, feels, needs, wants or believes. They begin with the word I.

Examples of I-messages:

• I want to see Star Wars.
• I feel angry about the game.

There are a variety of refusal strategies, including:

• Say the word no firmly.
• Repeat no (if needed).
• Let the other person know you want to stay friends.

Examples of refusals:

• No, I can't sleep over on Friday, but I would like to another time.
• No, thanks. I'm allergic to peanuts.
• The cookies look really delicious, and I'm sorry I can't have one.

Building Active Listening Skills

There are two components of a spoken message:

• content-the words that are used
• feelings-how the words are expressed

Problems may arise in sending and receiving messages. The sender may wonder: Am I being understood? Is what I really mean to say getting across? The receiver may question: Am I understanding you? Am I accurately interpreting what you are saying and feeling? The solution lies in checking it out.

Problems may arise in sending and receiving messages. The sender may wonder: Am I being understood? Is what I really mean to say getting across? The receiver may question: Am I understanding you? Am I accurately interpreting what you are saying and feeling? The solution lies in checking it out.

Active listening is listening with the purpose of understanding the message. To be sure that the message was clearly understood, the receiver has to test that understanding. How the listener understands and interprets the message determines the response.

There are two steps to active listening. decoding and giving feedback.

Step One-Decoding: deciding what emotion has been communicated. The listener climbs into the other person's shoes for a minute to see where she or he is coming from. The listener must empathize, be sensitive, imagine what the sender feels.

Step Two-Giving feedback: Feedback tests the accuracy of the interpretation. In giving feedback, the receiver summarizes what was heard and seeks to clarify anything not understood. If the response indicates that the receiver has interpreted the speaker incorrectly, the speaker can let the receiver know.

Active vs. Passive Listening

Active listening means listening to understand and testing the understanding of what was heard and observed. It is listening to hear the real meaning behind what is said. It means paying close attention to the speaker. It means becoming involved in the speaker's concern. Passive listening is just hearing everything that is said without responding. Active listening is stopping the sender when necessary to be sure you understand what has been said and letting senders know whether you have understood what they really mean.

Using Active Listening Skills

When do you use this skill?
Active listening is used when the other person has a problem that doesn't conflict with your needs, for example, "I realize you have a problem, I'd really like to be helpful…."

How do you use this skill?
Display a non-judgmental attitude. Make eye contact. Use a respectful, interested tone of voice. Be aware of what your body language is saying. For example, if you say you are interested in what the speaker has to say, are you yawning, thumbing through a magazine, looking out the window while he or she is talking or doing other things that make it look like you're not really interested?

Examples

Matt turns in his math test, returns to his seat, puts his face down on the desk and says, "Man! I blew it." His friend Jenn says, "You feel pretty worried about your math grade, huh?"

The response, "You feel pretty worried about your math grade, huh?" is an example of an active listening response, which shows that Jenn has picked up on Matt's feeling. It provides an opening for Matt to talk more about his concern and begin to think about what to do about it.

An accurate use of active listening skills will take the sender to the heart of the problem. As the problem becomes clearer, the sender can begin to get over the feelings and focus on what to do.

Sample phrases to use for active listening include:
"You feel..."
"It sounds like you're saying..."
"You want…"
"You think..."
"You wish…"

The active listening process at work: "You feel pretty worried about your math grade?"

Assertiveness Skills

What is the difference between assertiveness (confrontation) and aggressiveness?
Assertiveness, or confrontation, means taking the initiative or first steps to deal with a problem in a constructive, self-protective manner. Assertiveness attacks the problem, not the person.

Aggressiveness attacks the other person rather than the problem. It is a destructive desire to dominate another person or to force a position or viewpoint on another person; it starts fights or quarrels.

When do you use assertiveness skills?
These skills can be used when another's behavior is not acceptable or when continued "listening and accepting" isn't appropriate. People often avoid confronting others about their behavior because they don't want to hurt the relationship. However, avoiding problems may cause bad feelings to build and may result in an explosion or withdrawal from the relationship. Using I-messages to be assertive is constructive, rather than destructive. It helps people deal with problem behavior in a way that allows the other person to agree to change while not damaging the relationship.

How do you use this skill?
The goal is to get other people to change their behavior without putting them down or making them feel badly toward you. You may like the person; it's a particular behavior of the person that you don't like. Your purpose is to address the behavior, not to "dress down" the person.

The Importance of I-messages

I-messages are designed to deal with problems. The purpose of an I-message is to express your needs. It expresses the attitude "I am not going to give up my needs and I'm willing to help you meet your needs," creating a win-win situation.

I-messages attempt to deal with the problem situation by talking about it in terms of what is happening to me-I've got a problem. An I-message is disarming. It's hard for someone to say something nasty in response to a good I-message. On the other hand, a "you" message blames others and puts them on the defensive. Then they want to retaliate, to get even.

Steps in Using I-Messages

There are three parts to delivering an I-message, although sometimes not all three parts are used.

A description of the behavior. What is it the other person is doing that gives you a problem? You are describing something to the other person, not blaming her or him for something. I-messages tell others that their behavior is interfering with something you need (not just something that you want). Give the other person a clear idea of what he has done without extra blame or guilt added.

A description of the feeling this behavior causes you. How does what the other person is doing affect you?

A description of the effects produced by the behavior. What concrete problem is the behavior causing you? If you can help other people see how their behavior effects you, then they are more likely to change the behavior.

Hints for Successful I-messages

• Be specific in describing the problem behavior
• Make eye contact
• Use a respectful tone of voice, not an aggressive or confrontational tone
• Be aware of what your body language is saying-that it is reinforcing what your words say.

When an I-message Doesn't Work

If an I-message isn't working, it may be a lousy message. Yes, the words may be OK, but the tone may be full of blame or rage or disrespect. Pay attention to the non-verbal message. Is your face red; are your eyes bulging; are you yelling to the top of your voice? Or are you cool, calm and collected?

There is little to be gained by sending an anger message. Try to stop and think about why you are so angry. You will likely find other feelings underneath the anger: frustration, embarrassment, rejection, fear, hurt and loneliness. Sometimes, an I-message may not work if the other person has a strong need to continue her or his behavior. If the other person is upset and out of control, shift gears. Try active listening, change the environment, or let him or her blow off steam.

I-messages also may not work if the other person doesn't agree that the "effect" on you is a real problem. This is a values collision, which occurs often in families.

If there is a conflict of needs, an I-message won't be enough. You'll need to give up on the I-message and work out the conflict with some other techniques.

The Conflict Resolution Process

There are three primary conflict resolution problem-solving processes:

• negotiation
• mediation
• consensus decision-making

Each of these processes has similar characteristics, including:

• Parties identify their own needs and interests.
• Parties work cooperatively to find solutions to meet those needs and interests.
• Parties stay focused on the problem.
• Parties work cooperatively to find a mutually acceptable solution.

Each problem-solving process has similar steps:

• Agree that you disagree (agree to negotiate; set the stage).
• Take turns talking (gather perspectives/identify interests).
• Restate what you think you heard (explain the other's viewpoint).
• Come up with a solution that works for both parties (create and evaluate options/generate agreement).

Negotiation

"Negotiation is a problem-solving process in which either the two parties in the dispute or their representatives meet face to face to work together unassisted to resolve the dispute between the parties."

Steps in Negotiation

1. Agree that you disagree and you will try to negotiate.
2. Take turns talking; look at things from the viewpoint of the other party.
3. Describe what you want, how you feel, and the reasons for your wants and feelings.
4. Take the other person's point of view and then summarize your understanding of what he or she wants and feels and the reasons for his or her wants and feelings.
5. Think of several ways to solve the conflict in a way that works for both parties (create win-win options).
6. Choose the best way and make an agreement to do it.
7. Get outside help if unable to resolve the conflict.

Mediation

"Mediation is a problem-solving process in which the two parties in the dispute or their representatives meet face to face to work together to resolve the dispute assisted by a neutral third party called the 'mediator'.'"

Consensus Decision-Making

"Consensus decision-making is a group problem-solving process in which all of the parties in the dispute or representatives of each party collaborate to resolve the dispute by crafting a plan of action that all parties can and will support. This process may or may not be facilitated by a neutral party."

Reference: Conflict Resolution Education: A Guide to Implementing Programs in Schools, Youth-Serving Organizations and Community and Juvenile Justice Settings.

Skills for Anger Management

What Is Anger?

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. We've all felt anger-perhaps as a fleeting annoyance or as a full-fledged rage. But when anger gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems at work, at school, in personal relationships, and in the overall quality of life.

Signs of Anger

Like other emotions, anger is accompanied by bodily changes. When you feel angry, your heart rate, blood pressure and energy increase.

Causes of Anger

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry with someone (such as a coworker or supervisor) or at an event (a traffic jam or a canceled flight). Worrying about personal problems may cause anger, and memories of traumatic or enraging events may trigger angry feelings, too.

Positive Ways to Express Angry Feelings

You can't get rid of or avoid the things or the people that anger you. You can't change them either. You can learn to control your emotions. The three main approaches are "expressing," "suppressing" and "calming."

• Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive way is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn what your needs are, how to make them clear, and how to meet them without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
• Suppressing anger and redirecting it means holding in your anger, stopping thinking about it, and focusing on something positive. The aim is to suppress your anger and convert it into constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if anger is never allowed outward expression, it may turn inward.
• Calming yourself down inside means not just controlling your outward behavior but also controlling your internal responses, such as taking steps to calm yourself down and let the feelings subside.

Other Tips for Controlling Anger

• Use relaxation. Breathe deeply; think calm thoughts; stretch; go for a brisk walk.
• Change the way you think. Tell yourself positive things.
• Learn to problem solve.
• Try to communicate better. Use I-messages and other assertiveness techniques.
• Use humor when appropriate.
• Change your environment. Take a break from troublesome situations.

Information Resources

• http://www.crnhq.org/
• http://www.nmha.org

Approaches to Conflict Resolution

There are at least three approaches to resolving conflicts peacefully:

• Win-Win Approach
• Creative Response
• Broadening Perspectives.

Win-Win Approach

Usually when people disagree, they battle over opposing solutions. There is a sense that one person is right and the other person is wrong. With the win-win approach, people shift their attitudes to say,"I want to win and I want you to win, too." They change disagreements from "right and wrong" situations to cooperative agreements. The most important step of the win-win approach is to discuss underlying needs. This helps to build solutions that acknowledge and value the underlying needs. To do this, people must ask one another questions such as:

• What are your needs here?
• What values are important to you?
• What are the outcomes or results you want?
• What seems like the best solution to you? Why?

The win-win approach also requires:

• Recognition of individual differences
• Flexibility
• Openness to change positions or viewpoints
• Attack of the problem, not the people

The win-win approach works because both parties get more of what they want and they are committed to the solution.

Creative Response

Do you see conflict as a problem or opportunity? If you see conflict as a problem, you may tell yourself things such as "Life is hard work," "I have to be right," "Mistakes are unacceptable," or "Don't take any chances!"

The creative response is about turning conflicts into opportunities. It is deciding to learn from conflicts, doing something about conflicts (instead of sticking with the problems), and getting the best out of conflict situations. With this response, you think:

• How else can I look at this situation?
• What are the possibilities?
• What opportunities can this bring?
• I'll take a risk.
• Everything is a success.

With the creative response, conflicts are not about "right" or "wrong." Rather, problems look like intriguing challenges, and errors are regarded as opportunities for learning. When you are mistaken, you turn back, note what happened, and do it differently next time.

Broadening Perspectives

Different perspectives about problems are inevitable. Everyone has a different viewpoint about a problem (and often we think our viewpoint is the "right" one). But if we broaden our perspective and look at other people's viewpoints, we see that each one makes a contribution to the whole. Each viewpoint requires consideration and respect in order to form a complete solution. In fact, this wider view opens our eyes to many more possibilities. In this way, some conflicts can be resolved by taking a different perspective. Guidelines for this approach include:

• Consider how the problem will look over a long period of time. The longer time frame can help people be more realistic about the size of the problem.
• Assume a broad perspective. Look at the overall system (the family, group, community, etc.) and consider what it needs in order to work well.
• Deal with resistance to the broader perspective. Assuming a broader perspective may be scary. People may feel less certain of the rightness of their own case. They may have to give up the security they got from the simple way they used to see the problem. They may need courage to enter the confusion of complexity. Many of these fears prove ungrounded once they are carefully analyzed.
• Be open to the idea of changing and risk-taking. When people take a broader perspective, they may be confronted with the enormity of the difficulties. Identify what one person can do to affect a particular problem, even if it is only a small step in the right direction. One step forward changes the dynamics and new possibilities may open up.

Adapted from material provided by the Conflict Resolution Network