Name:______________________

Two important skills that promote conflict resolution are active listening and assertiveness, which includes I-messages.

Active Listening

One way to resolve conflict with other people is to help them feel "heard" or "understood" by actively listening to them. Active listening is a method of helping the speaker focus below the words to the unresolved issues. There are specific ways to actively listen.

• Listen. Listen attentively to the other person.
• Ask questions. Collect information. Find out about the speaker's needs, concerns, viewpoints, etc. Ask general questions that encourage the speaker to open up, such as, "How do you see it all?" Also ask specific questions that will give you important pieces of information.
• Reflect back. Periodically reflect back the speakers' thoughts and feelings, so they know you understand and so they can hear themselves.
• Check back. Be sure you have heard and understood the relevant details. Check back with speakers about their feelings as well as the content even though they may only be telling you about the content. If you're not sure how they feel, ask them, "How do you feel about that?" or "How did that affect you?"
• Explore. If time permits, assist the speaker in finding greater clarity and understanding for himself or herself.
• Summarize. Make sure you agree on the facts.

It is also useful to respond with active listening when someone is telling you she or he is unhappy with you, criticizing you, complaining about you, or just simply yelling.

• Don't defend yourself now. It will further inflame the speaker. (Once the emotions settle, you can explain your viewpoint without denying his or hers.)
• Deal first with the emotions. People shout because they don't think they are being heard. Make sure they know that you hear how angry or upset they are. Label the feelings as you see and hear them. Keep on reflecting back as accurately as you can until they come down from the high emotion. Use phrases such as:
  • It's making you really mad
  • I can see how upset you are
  • You feel like you've reached your limit
  • Have I got it right?
• Acknowledge the other side. This does not mean you agree with others but that you register their viewpoint. For example, "If you think that was my attitude, I can see why you are so angry" or "I can see why the problem makes you so upset."
• Further draw them out. Gently explore with them if there is more behind the emotion.
• Move toward options for change or solutions. Once the heat is out of the conversation, ask what can be done to make it better. Ask what the other person would like to have happen.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is being able to state your viewpoint without provoking another person. One good way to use assertiveness skills is to let other people know how you feel by using I-messages.

I-messages

I-messages are clear statements of how you see situations and how you would like them to be. They say how it is on your side and then state what you need. I-messages improve communication and while they may not change situations, they clarify them. The best I-messages are free of expectations.

Example:

When I hear a voice raised at me,

I feel humiliated, and what I'd like is to be able debate an issue with you without ending up feeling hurt.